They have always been important. I have always loved unicorns and there's a moment in DODGEBALL THE MOVIE where they go into the attorney's apartment and it's filled with unicorns. And I privately thought it was very cool.
The kind of unicorns are special. I like the ones with lion's tails and small white heads like from the ancient tapestries. I like them white against blue backgrounds, specifically.
And last night, I had the most amazing dream where I met a unicorn.
I was being chased by hell hounds. And I found a cottage where a man was intent on carving a crucifix. But he let me in to be safe and so I was in and the hell hounds were baying and he said, "Only Jesus Christ or a unicorn can save you now." And I snapped back, "Jesus Christ gave me everything I ever needed to save my self. And that's faith. So I need you!" and I shouted up to the air, "I need you now!" and this unicorn came down on the roof of the house and gave me a bag of dirt that if I fed it to the hell hounds would turn them into pink nosed, waggy tail, brown and white pit bulls.
The unicorn appeared. The unicorn was amazing. I remember looking at it, such an animal (really an animal, animals are so spectacular they are just…well sometimes just spectacular) and I did as I was told and soon I had a whole bunch of pink nosed, brown and white pit bulls with waggy tails.
What's interesting is the man who had to carve a crucifix didn't survive. I think it goes with what symbol you align with, personally. I'll take one of hope and purity over an instrument of torture any day.
I was so sad to wake up and realize that the dogs weren't real, either.
I have them, creeping in and it's cold and I don't want to go to bed. I have a long list of things that must be done tomorrow. Must be done.
But for tonight. I spoke to M. on chat and he said he didn't relish going back to work tomorrow. I think of the tedious jobs I have held - motherhood being very high on that list. Let's face it, early motherhood is the most tedious thing in the world. Wake, sleep, eat, repeat. I did not enjoy it.
But I said to M, "Change five things about your routine. And write them down." It's my only real cure to depression or rut-settling. Well, that and a cup of tea.
So today, five things I did to change my routine:
1. Lit candles, put on a movie during our sit down time (I chose Labyrinth.) We never have movies early in the evening. But tonight I wanted a David Bowie concert in my living room and that was the closest I could come. 2. Rearranged my desk area. 3. Decided to not make dinner. Ordinarily we have a sit down dinner. Tonight we threw open the fridge and both grazed. 4. Changed our story reading place to downstairs. 5. Surfed random blogs and came up with a list of musicians I've never heard of to listen to on YouTube. 6. Made this post public.
Monday: I can't remember. Goodness. What happened Monday? I think I was very sick on Monday. Tuesday: I was put on hold for a commercial. Wednesday: I had a 2nd callback for a feature film. Had a terrible cold. Went to a reading at The University Bookstore. Thursday: Got my eyebrows done. Friday: Shot the commercial. Bought a fabulous dress from the wardrobe department. Found out I have a 3rd callback for the feature. Saturday: Painted on the house all day. Sunday: Painted some more.
First a few realizations. I am HUGELY productive. I usually keep to do lists but they are outlines. They are not what I have actually done and when I write it all down like that it looks enormous. I am now at a few points I really want to note.
1. All that steam and power, if put behind me and my business, will monetize. And that's what I need. I need my efforts to turn into money. Right now my efforts turn into power which gets behind other people's careers and sometimes brings in money. Well all that diagram is being rewritten.
2. I underestimate rest. I go too hard and I need to, as much as it feels like a waste, build in some just "do nothing" hours. I'm not good at that and I go until I fall down. It's almost eleven. How did that happen? I'm not sure.
Celebrations and Gratitude: I need this section. First off, someone who has been a huge support to me in all ways, a huge champion of me and my career got GREAT news today. He's been hired as PRODUCER on an indie film. NOT an "itty bitty budget" indie film and not a pretend indie that is a studio indie but a real true indie. This made my day. HUGELY.
I am grateful for my son and my cat and my little brown dog.
Efficiency and Work Hours: Friday, D4 OVERSLEPT. I didn't get to bed until late after that last entry and then I couldn't sleep. So I did a no-no. I read a script in bed for work and fell asleep reading that. Then overslept but still, I got a lot more reading done than I thought I would. Yay? Not sure.
Got kid to school, went by, synched my calendar with family, checked in, had a meeting (wow, need to make that meeting follow up list for Monday!), then went from that to anther meeting with a client who wants to make a web commercial. Went over there. Then talked about a future project and also gave her the update on spaces. Came back here, answered some emails really fast, cleaned, said by to my business partner and then ran out to get my son.
Saturday, D5 Whew. Got up, got half ready, rushed son out, dropped him off at a friends, came back, finished dressing, jumped in car with printed headshots and resumes, auditioned. Saw a gal I know at the audition and was quick to say hi and chat and then sent her a FB message from the car wishing her good luck and saying it was good to see her. Managed to chat a bit to the casting director and director but while I did good I didn't NAIL it which pretty much means you don't have it in acting. Drove home, got son after basketball game, got home, fed son, and then tackled work again updating CastingNetwork, CastingFrontier and two other sites for acting and then sent a thank you note to my agent. Printed the updated script for a table read tomorrow, solidified childcare and directions. Printed more resumes and prepped headshots. Made a great to do list for Monday. Emailed people about the read tomorrow.
Looked online to see if I could find secondhand or ebay replacements for my super well fitting expensive as hell jeans that I wear for auditioning that died. They weren't there. Will keep looking.
Updating those profiles took some time.
Friendships and Fun Friday, D4 I took the bus up to see my friend S. who is normally a Prod. Coordinator on tour with big bands and only in town for a few more days before she's gone again. I had dinner with her, her boyfriend and what's more, S. and i took the bus at night to downtown which is new for him. He loved it and did really well. Afterwards we missed two buses so Rabbit came and grabbed us for a warm up of coco at his friend's coffeeshop before we jumped the right bus home, reading the whole way home.
Saturday, D5 I went to S's basketball game and as I've been working more gently today I've taken a few breaks (not enough) to play legos with him.
Acting: See work section for today. I also called the costume designer for the play I am in in March (will tell you more later).
Writing: When I prep for a character (like tomorrow) I don't write as I need the solo voice of the character in my head.
Feeding the Artistic Beast: D4- talking with my friend S. about how we structure our lives, oddly, was perfect for that day. Reading a WONDERFUL book Molly sent me and experimenting with Pandora stations for classical piano pieces. D5 - Okay have failed in this area today.
Personal D4 Saw friends. D5 Um. Date tomorrow with Rabbit? I hid from my cell phone today. Hit burn out as I've been going too hard. Need more downtime but it's not coming tomorrow nor Monday. I will build it into Tuesday.
Health: I drank a fair amount of sake last night, and ate 5 chocolates and some icecream as well as three helpings at dinner. I'm drinking less coffee and more water. But not a great mark for either day.
I did charge up my fitbit again and will be using it. Called on an aerial class, figured I need more structure to my exercise.
Family HUGE gains. D4 and D5 I spent some special time one on one with the little one. He's been weepy and emotional today and I was calm and earned at least four or five hugs. He's happy, he feels like he's had time with me, the bus was an adventure and he had a playdate. I feel really good about this right now but he's up too late and that I need to start working on. We both resist the bedtime, yo.
I've worked almost all day in front of the computer on acting stuff. I need to shut it off and NOT read the other script and NOT read the script in bed but get up early and work on it. I want to go for a run to get some energy out and maybe I will.
Okay I'm beat. I need more downtime but I need to prep all this stuff. I will sort that out, maybe sleep less or sleep in chunks. I still am so behind on personal things, the little touches I long for. Our thank you cards are half done, I do have some packages for people but I see now why I'm so crammed. It's weird to say but I didn't realize that before and if you could hear in my head you'd hear all the things undone: the interior of the car is untidy, I don't like that my house is so...teenagery style, when I see other adult houses of S's playmates. But we don't actually live in a house, we are in an apartment which does mean my bike is in the hallway and not hidden in some garage somewhere.
Shopped and bought good healthy organic meals for the next three days. Cooked home food, served, cleaned up. Ate together. We always do this but I write it down because it makes me feel good.
Okay going to go to bed though I really want to go on a run.
Fifteen. I'm always fifteen. Always bus-bound, on the the edge and slightly edgy, that is, until I hit those unexpected veins of sweet, thick, teenage confidence, oh so full of it all, hipshod and low slung, bottom lip made for kissing, tasting of late night coffee and clove oil. Tasting like the start of an adventure.
Inside, I am all beginnings, leaving the front door and not letting it slam shut, hardly ever, because I don't want the household to know I've slipped out. It's not that they'd rebuke me, it's that I'm still teenage private, things written all over my face, and sometimes my hands and arms in sharpie but I think it's not known just as I think you don't know that I kinda want you to kiss me but not much more, just a little bit more, okay now I've gotta go, my sneakers hitting the pavement as I laugh and follow my friends out in the the street lit night.
I'm fifteen and chapstick because that fits in my jean hip pocket better than a lipstick that smushes. Sometimes I do lip gloss, the strawberry little kid kind because I like kissing too, and red, red lipstick is for women who like to leave their mark. I don't, not always, not yet maybe yet sometimes, because that too, is being fifteen, riding in the back of the bus, your feet up on the seat or in the move theatre, your knees against the back of the seat in front of you.
Sometimes, in the morning, as I face him, I'm still fifteen, looking at his hair, the colour of polar bear fur and whale bones and sun and salt bleached driftwood. I'm still fifteen and a panic breaks and leaks through my chest, and I don't know what I'm doing and I want a grown up in here, now to tell me what to do, to help, to sort it all out. I want all the things I've pushed back so hard to come back in and fix it so I can rebel against all of them again.
I line my eyes with black, my hair is a tumble, I wear my boots almost everywhere. I crazy cry in movies, big tears, but not in break ups. I storm down streets and lay down on the floor in friends' living rooms sipping wine and beer like I'm not allowed to.
I am fifteen as I ever was, flying around everywhere to compete, living high and feeling high all the time, needing that peak feeling to feel alive. I am fifteen as I slip through the woods on shoot, seeing things other people don't, standing still breathing shallowly so the doe in front of me will pass, brushing against my hand or diving deep into the river, fully clothed, to find the tripod, the missing lav mic.
And with those I love, those that are easy for me to love, those that unlock me with a simple click, I am forever fifteen, leaving clothing all across her living room and shoes and shampoo and tons of things as I rush to fly out of town. Collapsing into unexpected tears in the middle of a good story. Talking too much about myself, Crashing into you, leaving the keys in the front door, driving too fast like I stole it and always, just always, still looking for that edge of something to grab on to, so I can hoist myself up to the roof and stare out at the world. Like I invented it. Like it's the first time anyone has done anything like that, ever.
Critter (fetishmystique) took this this summer. He took me on a photo safari and we went and got Italian food that night. A few nights later we met up and had dinner for six hours, and I drove him home. My driving horrified him and he actually grabbed the door handle.
I refuse to be devastated. I will not go into the desert in the skin of a lion or smear my ashes in mourning. He was always shoving me to the edge, urging me to live harder. So I will.
But there are a few people I can call at 4AM who are awake. And tonight, I was going to call. I just checked his Facebook first...and found out he was gone.
The house. I have a talent. My talent is gathering Stuff. For someone who moves almost every year and a half, I have a tremendous amount of stuff. I feel like I get rid of it all and like a starfish, it grows back.
this time, no.
It's just...we have a two story HOUSE here. It's huge for two people. And up until a week ago every time you opened a closet things of interest fell out. Not always great things of interest. So being who I am, I went to the library, got some books on clutter and started reading and tossing stuff. Donate donate donate.
Here's the thing- I am sentimental (you are laughing, right? Like you could read this thing without knowing that) and I have a lot of mementos. Too many. And I'm down to the time in my life where I need, need to streamline and focus. I know what i want to do and it looks like this:
Produce my own short film Produce other people's projects Write Costume (note, I'm not a designer, I am more an on set dresser/shopper) Act Mommy
And that's it. So everything else that is kind of hovering and cluttering and gunking up really needs to go. That means I first unloaded all books I wasn't going to read again. And then I narrowed down the ones I do read to, "Can I get this at the library?" and if so, I let it go. Clothes I was harsh about, thinking of them as employees that must work to merit their space in my closet. The costume/props rooms that I have will be organized and need to hashed through harshly. But even so it feels like... too much. You would simply not believe the amount of cosmetics I own for someone who doesn't wear make up daily.
Here's how I work: I've gotta clean before I work creatively. So the easier it is to do that, the easier it is to work. But now I'm down to certain truths.... I don't really "see" framed photos on the wall anymore. There are a few paintings and posters I like but I'm not such a framed photograph person. I prefer to keep them jammed in the books I do have so I find them as I am reading.
And it isn't that my house and home isn't organized. Yes, it is, very well, in fact. But it is still too much.
I'm wondering about your philosophy of stuff? I want to hear it. This is the most radical I've been at getting rid of things in a long time but I feel a sea change.
I need a new philosophy. Right now I've applied the idea that if I'm meh about it, someone might really find and love that it is a treasure. The way I feel about my fuzzy black coat, for example. I bought that years ago in a thrift store for $15.00 and I just spent $75 having it relined as I'd rather that than ten black coats or any other coat.
Yesterday was one of those wonderful meetings. I knew the moment we laid eyes on each other that it would be good. The first thing he asked me was what was the most important thing about film to me.
"Film? I like movies. I like movies because I am obsessed with telling a story."
And then the reciprocal grin. The skies were grey, like they'd been painted down to the tops of the buildings and the rain was coming in, indecisive. I am less so, I feel a quick step, I like hot coffee. I'm still brown from the southlands.
The house is packed and I am looking for an apartment. Schools look promising. S. is excited and interested. He likes change. Which is good because as my father said, "He'd best like it, it's better than disliking it when it is your M.O." And it is.
I'm off to look at some place that is in a shady area off Aurora. Who knows. Maybe I will find a gem. I am unsure. But I am looking forward to the drive in, the quiet rain, the loud music. G. called me last night from NYC. One of the first, checking in calls. Things are so tentative between us. He told me about taking the bus in, how there are no parks...and of course they are but he wouldn't recognize them. I love that city, that city is a letter to something deep and thrilling I found, a hunch I followed that lead true to something needed and important. But he does not love it. And living there if you do not love it is not a good idea. But it is for him to discover that. I am only possessed of me.
Time for rain and drives. I will let you know how the apartment is. Life is much better without those pie plates, if that makes any sense.